Kind reader, Leg Delabor has been my brother and business proposal
ever since we got him from the gypsies in 19$7. I have tried every trick and scam in the book to get a woman to come
within 25 feet of him (in Britain, 2 km), all to know a veil. You can imagine my chemical reaction when I snooped
around in his inbox while he wasn't looking and read the flowering:
I want to marry you ...I'm hot...what do you think?
My first thought was that Leg had been hanging around the
retirement home again so I never gave it much nevermind. Then I kept snooping, and somewhere between the hundreds
of online napkin orders and "Practical Magic 2" treatments, I discovered his 3-ply:
Due to the high number of people that DON'T email me every week, I have
thought long and hard and decided to accept your offer. Please send me two
(2) pictures of yourself, preferably surrounded by all of your money, and a
full sized check made out to THORAXCORP LLC,,.
In return, I will move to whatever state you are in, and marry you. From
your beautiful email, I gather we will be a wonderful couple.
Little about me: I am not hot. At least that's what they tell me. I
(don't) know how to play the guitar OR the piano! I graduated in the middle
of my class. I am getting more comfortable with my bald spot. I don't like
pets because this one time a dog bit me.
What are you like, my dear? I hope that you are filled with a lot of
creative interests because then, when we are married, I can copy you. I
want creative interests.
Love, Leg XOXOXO
Needless to say, I beat the ever-loving
crap out of Leg for about 2 and a half minutes. Then, "Suddenly Susan" came on and I
took a break. By the time it was over, I was so over my whelms, I decided to quit
beating Leg, and start beading him. With his cornrows properly in place, I fired off
this email to Adrian:
***CIST AND DECEASE ORDER FROM THORAX CORPORATION LLC,,.***
It should be plainfully obivous to you at this point that I am called Gent
Delabor. I am CEO and Chief Executive Officer of THORAX CORPORATION LLC,,.
But more importantly, I am CEO and Chief Executive Officer of Leg Delabor
First, let me pologize. Leg's email privledges were cut off MONTHS ago.
I'm not sure how he has regrown them though I have seen him tinkering with
my old chemistry set. But enough about that, more about this! If Leg Delabor
were to marry you...HE WOULD GO TO PRISON...AGAIN!
You see, Adrian, here at THORAXCORP we believe in contracts. Extremely long
contracts with lots of big werds and legalese. So far, I have made Leg sign
no less than (35) of these contracts. Allow me to quote contract 28, THORAX
CORPORATION LLC,,. RIT OF THORAX CORPUS, Section 12, Row 32, Aisle 119,
"...and here two four, on said such occasion, with date as in, as it were,
unto, and holy recognizable as, LEG DELABOR, should be legally, mentally,
and physically binded, with the strongest of legal solvents and tapes, to
THORAX CORPORATION LLC,,. in legal matrimoney, with violations punishable
by up to (12) times in prison or (2) hours in the hall closet, whichever
Adrian, you can see, that's some serious legal mumbo jumbo. In fact, (1)
out of (1) paralegal aids agrees:
"How did you get in here? Those are private files!"
I hate to be the bearer of bad timings, but for the future succsess of THORAX
CORPORATION LLC,,. I'm going to have to end this horrid little love affair
with a BANG!
Gent Delabor, Sr.
CEO THORAX CORPORATION LLC,,.
Chief Executive Office THORAX CORPORATION LLC,,.
CFO Global Stardom Entertainment
Leg was so devastated that my brother Rode HAD to get in on the action:
Adrian et. al,
Please DO NOT turn your television!!!!!
COPS is not on, and you do not have to leave!!!!
My colleagues and I have had twenty-two (26) meetings this morning, and
what goes stays.
By this I mean, contracts are final. Gent has worked extremely hard to
incorporate our business into full STARDOM with an especially low
potential differential. While I realize you are not in the business of
stardom, you are in the business of love and I hope you can attest to the
ramifications of your own matrimony. Good lovin' is bad business. Gent
himself has many problems with the labours of love, as do I. But they are
none of your business, so mind yourself. Mind the gap.
Contractually, as Gentile DeLabour has explained, Leg is no longer allowed
to love, and there is a corporate structure in place that will see to it
that he may never limp again. Business is bisiness, and here at
WWW.THORAXCORP.COM, it is never business casual. I am currently wearing
two suits. One of spades, and one of hearts.
We apologize for ruining your life, but hope that we can console you with
an exchange for your money and our proudukts (t.m.).
If not, we will accept cash donations.
THORAX CORP. CORPORATION LLC,,,;;
Pee S: If a sitruation develops in which you love me, we could
contractually marry under the 43rd byline of the last page of interstate
eight on my "Fully Disclosed and Totally Exposed" 2001-2001 Contract Tour.
Dog et. al,
We sure got her good too. She replied simply with this: